Day 86 Night - There Is The Perfect Exhaustion Of Knowing That This Is Going To Continue Tomorrow And There Is No Relief Today

I am so worn out tonight. When I bump into friends and acquaintances, I put on a brave face and say that is everything is going to be okay and I am not lying when it comes to the future. The lie only infects the present when I am not okay, and there is nothing anyone can do. If nobody can help you and you are forced to simply survive, what is the sense in sharing the burden and asking for help?

A Perfect Exhaustion

But my back hurts tonight for real because I tweaked it while sleeping twisted up on the couch. I am sorry because I do not want this to be about my complaints but tonight I am so tired and sleep seems so very far away. I have to get up early in the morning to see a new and improved dermatologist about the rash that is spreading, and I am worried if I take a sleeping pill, I won't wake up in time.

Such is the price of living alone. The comforts of isolation that verge on the pathetic at times are no consolation. I need more than these words and more than your love. I need the promise of health returning home to roost. If I am to build a nest that I can believe in, then I need to embrace the faith that this hell is working.

It is. My numbers are normalizing as my liver functions improves. But the virus still lurks and is far from defeated. I do not know if it will ever be excised from my body. I do not know if I am doing the right thing by going through this experimental treatment. I do not know if I am a wise man or  a fool. And the fear of foolishness creeps up and mugs my soul in the belly of the night.

R-Evolution-Blues by Rene Sinkjær (Triptych in process) 

I am not quite as colorful as the painting, but I am as much of a chaotic mess. It is weird to experience exhaustion and chaos side-by-side. It is like quicksand and not struggling even though you continue to sink. But I am not sinking into death or unconsciousness. And struggling will only make me sink faster. Tonight feels like a drowning of my soul.