Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 83 Morning - Strange When Playing Easthaven Leads Directly To A Profound Understanding Of Your Own Insanity

I've always been mad, I know I've been mad, like the most of us are. 
It's very hard to explain why you're mad, even if you're not mad.
— Speak To Me by Pink Floyd on The Dark Side of the Moon 


There are so many ways to casually embrace madness in your life as a distraction from responsibility and authenticity. Whether it is the obvious disease of perception that is alcoholism and addiction or the less noticeable manifestations and replacements that suck the marrow from the backbone of your time, it is all a form of escape and avoidance and the endless repetitions that mean nothing beyond waste and pollution. 


I did not realize how embarrassing it would be to reveal what is to come because it rustles my body and alarms the skin even beyond the itching. But if I do not unveil such a casual abomination, it will remain lurking and it will continue unabated. Yes, please forgive this pathetic and sad reality as I reveal the doldrums of a casual insanity that has inhabited my life and rotted my soul for seven long years.


The Gift Of Casual Insanity And Ordinary Madness Is Wrapped In Delusion
My personal folly throughout my years of so-called sobriety has been the Solitaire-like card game called Easthaven. I play this game online when I do not want to deal with the reality of my life. It started in 2004 when I left rehab and it has continued to this very day. There have been spurts and lulls, but I have returned consistently to the escape and I have wasted so much time. I know this seems so minor when contrasted with the words of the introduction like abomination and pollution and madness, but this is the simple truth... I have wasted over a week of my life playing this game. 


Here are the statistics taken from the website...
Hands Dealt: 10,392    Hands Played: 2,341 (22.53%)  
Hands Won: 1,696 (72.45%)    Average Length: 4 Minutes 43 Seconds    
Total Playtime: 7 Days, 16 Hours
This Is What The Lavinator's Ordinary Madness Looks Like - Sad, But True.
Wow! Can you imagine what I could have accomplished with all those wasted hours? Can you see what an abomination it is to treat the rare gift of this human birth with such casual attitude of waste? Don't you agree? And, as I continue to itch and my body is under siege and I am dug up and reduced by the crucible of this treatment to the very roots of my being, can you understand that there is no choice but to reveal the shit behind the mirror and accept the challenge to truly change? After all, if the revolution does not start today, when is it ever going to happen? It is a reflection of the wisdom of both Samuel Beckett and Hillel the Elder and my two favorite quotations...


In the landscape of extinction, 
precision is next to godliness.
                                   — Samuel Beckett


If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
If not now, when?
                                   — Hillel the Elder


If I don't abandon my indulgence and my entitlement and my selfish delusional grandiosity today and begin living the life that I was put here on this earth to live, then what is the point in fighting this fight?! Please do not worry because I am not suicidal or self-destructive beyond the obvious. I simply am fed up with the bullshit of John Lavitt and I need to change. 


Such an easy expression in theory and such a difficult reality in practice. If you ever say a prayer for me, pray that this is the road I will choose on my own to follow; the path of my authenticity.
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2 comments:

  1. EMILY LEMOLE SMITHOctober 23, 2011 at 3:30 PM

    Such a brave post, John. And I do agree that some of the things that pull us away from the path to authenticity (and from fully experiencing what we are doing and the people we are doing it with)are so tiny that they go unnoticed, or seem insignificant... I, too use games to 'turn off' my brain - and it's not like a meditation or a rest, you're absolutely right - it's nothing more than a waste of time (and ultimately a waste of this gift of life).

    HOWEVER - after you've woken up and recognized the things that you no longer want to choose (but probably sometimes still will) you really do need to let go of it. Everything - even (perhaps especially)the wasteful time spent - is part of the process. Everything you have done has brought you to this very moment. And the present moment is the only thing that really exists (and the real gift) - not what now might have been if you'd done a better job of getting here. So it makes me a little sad to hear you judging your actions so harshly. It's all perfect, just as it is.

    Keep your chin up.

    xoxo,
    E

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  2. John LavittOctober 23, 2011 at 10:08 PM

    Thank you, Emily, for your support and friendship! Ever since we became close and you offered such insight and into and love of my poetry, I truly have valued your wisdom and presence. It is a balm to know clearly who truly believes in you when going through such a crucible. Your daughter is blessed to have such a mother!

    And please remember, I am hardest on myself in the writing because it provides a form of catharsis and exorcism, a processing of the negative voices that rise from within. At the same time, I am gentle with myself and reality and keep in touch with a sense of humor and lightness of being. If I seem to express myself with a stark rawness, it is because I am trying to create a truly honest account for those who come after me of what going through this process is like at its best and its worst. Without question, you are part of the best... John

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