Day 72 Night - After A Long Silence, A Certain Reckoning With The Weight Of Regret

It has been way too long since I wrote in this blog, almost a week, and I apologize for the long silence. I must admit that I have been going through a certain reckoning with the weight of regret. I know that regret is useless and self-destructive because it leads only to more regret and greater inaction. I cannot the alter the truth of my reality and I am powerless over the past and what I did to myself. But there is a certain reckoning in my soul with the burden of such failure and a sense that there is no magical redemption at hand. I am alone in the world, and I cannot pull a realized life like a rabbit out of my hat.

Is there a magic trick or even a toy that can provide instant redemption?

So is this the end of the line? No, I don't think so. In fact, I know it's not the end of anything. It could be the raw materials for a magnificent new beginning. It really is just a matter of perspective. And perspective is a choice so what am I going to choose today?

Without question, this ongoing treatment for Hepatitis C is a bitch. The aches and pains are constant, and I have to remember to have access to Ibuprofen at all times or they simply take over. At those times, I take a pill and lie on the couch until the rolling cramps pass. I have to use a prescription steroid cream on my rash that is so strong that I need to wear rubber gloves to put it on. I can barely eat anything without getting a bad case of indigestion, yet the food strangely shoots through my body as if it were a superhighway. How can you have indigestion when nothing seems to stay inside? Sometimes I fell okay when I go out for a walk, but I have to drench my exposed body in SPF 50 sunscreen because the drugs make my skin photosensitive. The word kind of sounds sexy and cool, but it's not. Just another burden preventing mobility. But it rarely even matters because the exhaustion overtakes me so quickly that I cannot stay out for long. Yes, I manage to cover it up and put on a brave face, but it is tough.

Is the Universe Laughing At Me?

So is the universe laughing at me? Am I doomed to the failure of the cavern in my apartment as I lie on the couch and wonder if anything is ever going to change? No, I don't think so. No, this is bullshit and self-pity and the morass of sinking into the indulgence of a destructive imagination. Beware the price when you turn imagination into a weapon against yourself. It is nothing less than deadly. And I will not use such a beautiful gift from my creator as a weapon against myself.

 The classic R&B pop song by Gloria Gaynor keeps echoing in my head —

First I was afraid
I was petrified...

But I grew strong
I learned how to carry on...

...you think I'd crumble

you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

Yes, of course, I know Gloria was singing about love, but aren't all of our trials and tribulations about love essentially when it comes down to the brass tacks. 

My two main fears and arguable the two main fears of any of us are as follows:

1) I will not be loved because I am unlovable and not worthy of love.

2) I will not be taken care of by the universe and I can't take care of myself.

I don't believe that either of these fears have anything to do with reality unless I choose to let them infect my life and dominate my perception. Yes, we all experience difficult times and there are so many challenges to be faced, but if we just show up and do a moderate job at an adequate pace, without the pressure of doing our best, everything seems to turn out just fine. Today I choose to have faith in my life and in this universe and I will not give into those fears. Quietly itching here and there, I do not abandon my smile and I continue to move forward and be grateful for the gift of this rare human birth.