Day 53 Afternoon - Doing Better Than Expected But Still Wiped Out Like The Stupid Game Show And Some Reflections On Karl Marx

Yes, I am doing better than expected, and I avoided the fevers and the chills and the flu-like symptoms. Basically like a bad handover that lingers as exhaustion and aches, it kind of wipes you out. If you are a Couchaholic and lying on your couch and doing nothing, you do not recognize the difficulties as acutely as when you go outside and walk around the block. Even minor physical exercise wears me down to the ground, and I wonder when I will be able to take movement and volition to the next level of execution.


Did you ever watch the somewhat demeaning game show Wipeout where absurdly-enthusiastic contestants have their asses kicked on humiliating obstacle courses and other demeaning challenges? It is somewhat amusing at first, but it quickly becomes nasty and not a lot of fun to watch. You can only laugh at idiots for so long before you simply start to feel sorry for them while developing a deep dislike for the snide comments of the super witty hosts. Right now, I feel a bit like a contestant who lost and got beaten up for no real reason beyond being humiliated in front of their friends and family on national television.

Then again, it really isn't all that bad. After all, there is a purpose to this pain, and I am in the process of  hopefully curing a dangerous disease, getting rid of the virus lurking within. What I do not like already is the pill taking, and it's not even all that many pills: 5 in the morning and 3 at night. If I had done my treatment with Kaiser Permanente, it would have been 21 pills a day on three different hourly schedules. The pill regimen of the first generation Protease Inhibitors is so complicated that there now an iPhone App that sounds an alarm when it's time to take another pill. In addition, the percentage of those who get the full body rash skyrockets from 4%-12% (depending on the dosage) to over 70%. When I think about how many people are going through the hell of that regimen, I truly get in touch with my sense of gratitude. There is a synchronicity to this treatment option. And I still believe in my dreams.

Karl Marx as a Young Man of Vision and Dreams 

I find my concentration weakened, and my ability to read is limited. My vision starts to blur, and I become very tired very quickly. Reading book reviews this morning, I loved this description of Karl Marx in the new biography by Mary Gabriel: "The man who wrote 'Capital' was an extraordinary philosopher, economist, classicist, social scientist, and writer, but he was also someone intimately acquainted with the slow death of the spirit suffered by those condemned to poverty while surrounded by a world of wealth." Above is a portrait of the man that is rarely ever see. Taken when he was young and the world lay before his feet and all his dreams were still intact.


It's funny because I grew up in a world of wealth and now I am poor. Not impoverished, but just getting by with no savings and no safety net beyond my family. I know this is my own fault, and I wish to rectify the situation once I finish treatment. But I reject the slow death of the spirit and I celebrate the journey taken on this spiritual path. Then again, I do not have hungry children to feed...

I am not a Marxist, but his Effective Analytical Ideas remain in my Tool Belt.

Yes, indeed, this is a strange entry, and I suppose there will be days like this...