Day 16 Night - Move Forward Without the Weight of Regret, Faith in the Great White Shark

What is the point of looking back and beating myself up over the insanity and the failures of the past? On the phone today, my father and I were talking about how terrible the summer movies were and how badly written. He wondered why I couldn't write a movie that sells and why I was not writing these huge comic book event pictures because I was a fan and discussed the possibility over twenty years ago. How did I manage to miss the boat? It was not said in a mean fashion at all, but a natural flow of the conversation. Nevertheless, the point struck a chord deep in my soul because it is a question I have asked myself.

Does such a question have any value? It brings forth the weight of regret that prevents me from moving forward. And I honestly do not have an answer; I simply wasn't that guy at that time or any other for that matter. A close acquaintance of mine wrote Elektra and two of the X-Men films and The Incredible Hulk. None of them were great films, but Zak Penn had to battle stars and studios, directors and producers in his valiant attempt to execute the original vision of those comics. The only film I would love to have had a shot at in that bunch is Elektra Assassin because it is truly one of my favorite comic series by Frank Miller. Could I have done a better job? Who knows and who cares? The past always will remain the past. Now I am in the position where I have no choice but to move forward beyond the danger of the present.

Doesn't that picture just take your breath away with an empathic mixture of awe and fear? The kayaker in South Africa is being followed by a 13-foot long Great White Shark. What choice does he have except to keep on paddling and hope for the best? I know we all have sharks and fears in our lives, and my shark today is Hepatitis C. But I choose to believe that everything will be fine if I just keep on paddling and have faith in that my great white shark today will not be my end and will choose to swim on by. If I beat myself up over the mistakes I made in the past - that one stupid night when I put a needle in my arm because I wanted to have the experience, man - I will be unable to live the present moment effectively and lovingly.

The last sentence reminds me of one of my favorite quotations about the cult of te experience from Thomas Pynchon's novel V:

"You've had all the fabulous experiences.  I wish mine would show me something." "Why," asks Benny.  "The experience, the experience. Haven't you learned?" Profane didn't have to think long.  "No." he said, "offhand I'd say I haven't learned a goddamn thing."

                                                                                    — Thomas Pynchon

Actually, there is so much I have learned from my experiences and I value without question the beauty I have seen and the sweetness I have tasted and the improvisations I have heard and the lessons I have been given. But I no longer worship at the altar of the experience, and I try my best to be a decent man today, moving forward without being paralyzed by the burden of past regrets or the chains of future fears. I choose to embrace the Great White following me in spirit while continuing to keep one step ahead. After all, it still is a shark and my momma did not raise a stupid boy. . .