Okay, as with everything in this hyper-intensified process, I perambulated today between deep spirituality and freaked-out crisis like a pinball doing the dance of life and death. My first meeting at the medical office buildings across from Olympia Medical Center for the clinical trials took place, and it was an overall positive with hints of lurking negatives. What is essential is not to fall into the either/or perspective and to understand that I am not dancing between darkness and light, good and evil, or life and death, but lingering in a vast amorphous landscape of grey. The grey offers no easy choices beyond murky fears and no quick solutions, but at least it reflects a certain truth in terms of the nature of reality and human life. There are very few mythic battles and transcendent confrontations. There are mythic hearts and transcendent laughter, and they do battle with the grim truth of everyday reality like the rest of us. Mind you, I have not forgotten that there is beauty and wonder everywhere if you look with clear eyes and open hands.
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| The Dream of the Mythic Battle Against Monstrous Evil |
When I went into the clinical trials, I met Chris Rice, the RN who is the clinical manager of the project. Later, I will go into more details about the clinical trials, but there will be plenty of time for that in the future. Besides being incredibly positive and user-friendly (sounds like a massage with a happy ending) on the phone, Chris presented the details of the trials with precision and understandable specifics. When I went into the office today and Chris took all my medical data and history, we got along incredibly well. Since we are both huge comic book fans, it was wonderful to hear about how he is sharing Neil Gaiman's brilliant
Sandman with his 15-year old daughter.
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| Neil Gaiman's Sandman - Facade (Death of Element Girl) |
I have no kids and I have tons of comic books and baseball cards, and I always thought I would pass them down. Maybe I'll have a child in the future - being a man, the ticking clock moves a bit slower - but if I don't, I can always share them with my nephews and my niece. When Chris described watching his daughter read some of my favorite stories from
Sandman, I must admit I was deeply moved by vicariously experiencing something I once dreamed of doing myself. In particular, there is one issue called
Facade about the despair of the super heroine Element Girl, an eternal metamorpho created by Ra, the ancient Egyptian God of the Sun. Element Girl can change into any element at will and she is incredibly powerful, but she longs for the release of death. Since she naturally changes into any element to adapt to any situation, she does not know how to kill herself and end her overwhelming sense of being an alienated freak. She is surprised when she is unexpectedly visited by Death, one of the Endless.
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| Death Visits With Element Girl In Her Moment Of Despair |
Element Girl is told by Death that all she has to do is ask Ra to release her from life. But how, she asks, do I find him? She is told that Ra is a Sun God so all she has to do is look into the sun and ask nicely. She walks over to the window as the dawn approaches and the sun is rising, asking Ra to free her from the burden of her powers. In a stirring moment, Ra releases her from the eternal battle and she dissipates into dust with her ashy smile blowing away on the breath of the wind. It would be wonderful to watch my child experience such a beautiful story that meant so much to me. But I feel no regret right now; only happiness that I was able to empathize so deeply with a real-life experience and story told. There is more to tell about the doctor and the looming lesion in my kidney and a questionable high five, but that shall come later because there are more days and nights coming for me. I have no desire to have Ra free me from the blessing of this life, and I shall fight to hang on with your help.
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