Day 7 Night (Or Morning Day 8) — Letters And Love And Being A Samurai

Wow! Emptying out my storage unit and going through the papers and books that comprise the majority of my life has been nothing less than revelatory. Since I have lived abroad several times in Greece and Paris and Denmark, I went through hundreds of letters tonight, trying to decide which to keep and which to discard as I attempt to reduce the weight of my possessions. They were beautiful and moving and amazing, filled with love and friendship and intelligence and spirituality and the song of the journey. Yes, I have lost touch with so many people, but I think that is simply the nature of being human and a bit of a wandering Jew, but really, in truth, a wandering poet. So much appreciation for who I am and a realization f how often I lose touch of my authenticity while chasing external dreams and answers.

God, I love this picture... it speaks so clearly of a bridge that must be crossed and a path that must be taken if I am to realize that sense of authenticity and access myself through the lens of the Hepatitis C crucible. I will be a Samurai, maybe sometime a Samurai who complains and whines a little, but still a Samurai who shows up and allows any challenges and difficulties to come to bring out the best in me. The very idea of such an accomplishment is intoxicating in the best way possible.

I am not going to worry about whether I am going to fail or give in to the pain when it comes or sink into the couch and become a couchaholic with my head in my hands as I moan forth the whimpering of my poor fate. Excuse my language, but fuck that! After the Ultrasound this morning that took over 45 minutes and was strangely intimate for Saturday in the hospital at 7am, slathered in hot jelly and poked at with a machine as I held my breath, I spoke at an AA meaning. The response to what I had to express was nothing less than astonishing and beautiful. One woman was amazed that I was not at home moping about my Hepatitis C and worrying about the results of the Ultrasound. Although I opened by explaining what I am currently experiencing, the rest of my pitch was about sobriety and recovery and putting the principles of the program to work in my life today.

Sure, I have made many mistakes in the past and caused a lot of damage, but I am powerless over the past and there are no do-overs and I cannot do anything productive in the shadows of regret. Naturally, I am scared when it comes to the future and what is going to happen and how sick will the treatment make me and how painful will it be and will it even work given the percentages, but I am powerless over the future and I cannot be productive if I am chained to and dragged down by such fears.

No, I choose consciously to remain in the present and be positive and live in the loving embrace of faith. In the glories and te travels of my earlier days, I always kept in the present, focusing on writing the next poem and meeting new people and experiencing the adventure of the journey. Such an adventure is not only relegated to the boulevards of Paris or the rocky beaches of the Greek islands. Tonight and tomorrow, in Hollywood where I live and the streets of this city of lost angels, I shall be present and do mu best to be the man that my God put me here on this earth to be. I choose to open the window within and allow the divine wind to blow through me, the breath of God, setting aside my bullshit and this ego and the endless guises of this fear, and becoming an expression of my higher power by becoming myself.

As the sun rises this morning, I shall kneel down and greet the sunrise and say a prayer that asks for nothing, but simply expresses a profound sense of gratitude for the gift of this rare human birth. Thank you, my father in heaven and mother earth, for all you have given to your son. May I respect your gifts by being a decent and responsible man with a more than decent sense of humor to express and share with my community and your world.

That's my prayer today. Mind you, my mom told me that she likes the blog and the pictures, but she thinks I can be a little melodramatic and that I should shorten my sentences. I laughed and said with a smile over the cell phone that this is simply who I am and I honestly no longer know how to be anything else. These are the steps I choose to walk and I truly hope that you are all walking by my side.