Day 3 Afternoon — Love and Support

As I spiral around in the roller-coaster of my mind that has less rises and drops than twists and turns, it is easy to forget how much love and support I have in this world. My family is 100% behind me, and they want to make sure I receive the best care available. My friends have offered to help in numerous ways as people step up to the plate unexpectedly and reach out to help.

Although I only really know Monsieur Kaiser from my local coffee shop as a barista, we have become friends over the past few years. When he heard what is happening, he reached over the counter and hugged me. Right away, he let me know that if the Hepatitis C Treatments makes me very sick, he will come over once a week and cook me dinner to make sure I am eating and taking care of myself. There is no reason other than love and support that he ever had to make such an offer. And he is the kind of man who will come through with such a promise.

It makes me think of the Nick Cave song People Ain't No Good and how that is not really true. Yes, people are scared and desperate and life is quite a challenge for what appears to be the vast majority. But within their intimate circles of friendship and family, people come through for each other. There is nothing as satisfying as being of service to another person and coming through without any expectations for reward or return. In AA, one of my favorite sayings is that an expectation is a resentment under construction. When I can let go of my expectations and just show up, the reward I receive from within is much greater than any I will ever receive from without.

I don't know if I will end up alone on a bench like the old man in the picture. There is a very good chance that he has chosen this quiet moment to contemplate the sea and the vagaries of this strange human life. But for me, the picture has come to represent a certain fear of not being loved. If I cannot share what I experience in this life with those I love, then what value does such experience have? In a way, the love and support that is being shown to me provides motivation for this ongoing account. I wish to share my thoughts and perspective, illuminate the facets of the jewel of this consciousness with the people I care about in my life. If it possibly can reach beyond this point and become a resource for others, that would be wonderful. Naturally, my innate grandiosity longs for such a place.

Then again, when I truly consider the purpose of this exercise, I realize the expression is essentially for me as part of the process of experiencing what is both terrifying and seemingly inevitable. If the fear of death motivates us to create a lasting legacy, it also presents nothing more than an illusion. Beyond this illusion, there is the day-to-day struggle to express each strand of this ongoing experience, weaving a tapestry that will show what it is like to survive.

Then again, this boy can be quite melodramatic at times, but he does enjoy the words and their play. If this disease brings me to the edge of desolation row, then I will dance there with these words before giving up and before giving in to cynicism and despair. I did not create the collage of words below, but I seriously do enjoy the idea behind the artist's creation.