I had such a powerful and unexpected experience today. I was transferring my iPhoto pics from my MacBook Pro to my new iPad, and I saw for the first time in almost two months, the extreme pictures of the rash and what happened to me. It was horrifying. I simply could not believe how truly bad it was even though it happened to me. As I heal, it is a part of me but it seems so far away as well. If I lose touch with the horror, do I lose touch with my gratitude? And it was horrific... for example, here is a pic taken on November 22, 2011 of my right leg and left foot. The treatment already had lasted two months. And it got much worse over the next ten days as the wounds became a staph infection...
I should look at these pictures every day. It might not be very appetizing, but it will be such a strong reminder of why I should be grateful and humble and happy to be alive. It is so easy to lose touch with your gratitude. I am a master at tossing it out a window as the wanting takes over and I dance with the devil, comparing myself to other people, wading in envy and jealousy, feeling either less than or more than, but never being myself. I know it is normal, but it is so careless as well. I have gone through a nightmare and I have survived; if it is to mean anything, I must truly change and transform the lessons wrought screaming from my body into everyday practices. A hard way to learn those lessons, but more valuable than I can ever express.
Here is a picture of me on September 15, 2011 in the doctor's office as I take my first dosage of Ribavirin right after I had given myself the first injection of Interferon in my stomach. I so believed that it would be a tough process, but not all that bad, and I would get through it with little damage and healed of the virus. I seriously had no idea what was coming down the pike like a runaway school bus with all the kids screaming and terrified. Okay, maybe not that awful, but it truly sucked!
Yes, it all began on that day, and I am grateful to be healed of this virus. At least, there's about an eighty to ninety percent chance that I am healed, and I will take those odds in Vegas any day.
But, honestly, I am not the same guy anymore, and I am trying to process the changes, both negative and positive. The scars are healing, although they will always be visible on my legs. But the physical scars do not represent the change. The change is a spiritual shift into realizing the beauty and wonder of this gift of a life and truly valuing it on a daily basis. No more excuses and no more bullshit as I embrace the sometimes difficult and always challenging path of my authentic self.
Will everything be okay in the end? I think so because I choose to live in faith and not in fear. Rather than being overwhelmed by and terrified of the question mark, I embrace the strange wonders of this mystery that lies before me. I do not know what it is right now and I am always a bit neurotic and worried, but I promise to do my best to truly walk the walk and no longer just talk the talk.
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