The Bad Cop In Rampart And Being Spared The Regrets That Will Never Go Away - Or Was I?

After watching the brutal and sad realism of Rampart, a film directed by Oren Moverman that stars Woody Harrelson as a bad Los Angeles cop in 1999, I felt such a relief not to be burdened by the kind of regrets that simply will never go away. Yes, I regret sharing a needle and being infected HCV, I regret all of those years wasted and all the talent and potential casually tossed aside, and I regret how the damage I was doing to myself did so much damage to my family and my friends, all my loved ones. But this regret is different than the kind of regret that is expressed in the film. 

Beyond his violence and renegade behavior in uniform and on the street, Officer David Douglas Brown is blind to the damage that he has caused in his own home. He does not see how his legacy of corruption, his moniker of Date Rape Dave on the LAPD, and his caveman-like mentality have damaged his daughters. His two ex-wives, actual sisters who live in houses side-by-side in a suburban neighborhood with Dave ensconced in the back, are aware of this damage and even see clearly the legacy of ruin, but do not know how to delicately extricate themselves from under his thumb. 

Entrapped by the nuanced and difficult to watch story line, I was emotionally moved in a manner that was quite strange and not expected. Yes, sitting alone on my bed, I almost shed tears for the two daughters from the two marriages, one 17 and the other 12, because I could feel their pain and extreme revulsion when they realized the truth about their father. Once that line is crossed, it is very hard to ever return to even a semblance of normality. Those girls are so damaged because they come to realize that their father is a bad man who is never going to change or accept responsibility for his acts. As the oldest daughter, Brie Larson gives arguably the best and most authentic performance in the film. You empathize so deeply with her despair, her frustration, and her hatred that she hates the burden of knowing the truth about her father.

On the other hand, side-by-side with this sadness, I felt a tremendous sense of relief because I never had children when I was caught in the web of my addiction, and I never subjected children to the warped insanity generated by my disease of perception. I am so grateful not to have done that damage because I doubt I would ever be able to forgive myself. Even if my children forgave me, I could not expiate the sin of poisoning their childhoods and sacrificing their faith and innocence. It would be too much.

The Pain Of His Eldest Daughter Is Beyond His Ability To Comprehend

Then again, as I write this, I realize that I am fooling myself as well. Didn't I make my parents and sisters go through the pain of watching me in a coma for over two weeks in 2002 after my car crash? As I was in the hospital for over 2 1/2 months, were they not exposed to the rantings of a brain damaged addict who was begging them for a little heroin because his boundaries were destroyed. It is so bizarre because I have no memories of that time. I barely even remember being in the hospital, and I am told horror stories by my close friends that I can barely fathom. I must remember that just because I was spared the worst, just because I cannot remember, does not mean the wounds of my family did not scar. 

What did my father tell his business partners about his middle-aged son? How did my mother explain to her close friends what had happened to me? Like Woody Harrelson's children in Rampart, were they not victims of my warped insanity? Did they not suffer more than I can possibly imagine? How often do I downplay their suffering because it is not my own?

And, yes, I know they are adults and not children, and I know it is not quite the same. But I have to be careful not to minimize the weight of my own responsibility and not to ignore the suffering I created. Just because I am sober now, it does not change the past. I know I cannot live in regret, but I must live with awareness and honesty as well. As my father would say, I cannot bullshit the bullshitter. The damage I did cannot be undone, and all I can truly do now is make a living amends by changing my behavior and being the man I actually was put here on this earth to be.

Why Are You On This Earth And Who Are You Supposed To Be?