Day 41 Night - The Refreshing Candor of Alex DeYoung and the Meaning of Medicine

My friend Alex DeYoung has been sober for six years, and he is only twenty-three years old. An audio engineer at a music production facility, Alex is married to his sweetheart Elyse Strandberg who is 108 days pregnant and literally about to burst forth their daughter Charlie into this world. I spent some time with them over the weekend, and Alex gave a refreshingly candid take on this blog.

Elyse, Charlie, Alex & Some Guy at the 2011 X-Games

After he told me he had been reading the entries as they appeared on Facebook, I asked what he thought about it. Perhaps hoping to bask in a little reflected glory, I received feedback that taught me something about myself. Alex said that he loved some of the blog entries and couldn't stand others. At times, he felt like he was in my head and going through the process of dealing with Hepatitis C himself, and he did not like being in the place. Other time, he grooved with the spiritual message, but then he also felt like he was being preached to by a guy who was trying to convince himself that everything would be okay. It's almost as if I am holding a bucket of shit at times and trying to convince people that it smells like roses.

Sometimes people surprise you by pulling rabbits out when you think they are just taking off their hat. Alex revealed a facet of the jewel of my consciousness, a way I deal with with fear by trying to rationalize it and then transform the feeling into something else. Yes, I do believe that this life can be reduced to the concept of choosing between fear and faith all throughout the day and night. When I choose fear, my character defects flare up and come out as defense mechanism, habitual ways of handling what I do not want to handle by not being present and accountable. When I choose faith, it is not always comfortable, sometimes it's downright uncomfortable, but it seems to consistently allow me to walk through the most challenging moments in my life.

I keep thinking about the end of the Great Spirit morning prayer of the Lakota Sioux medicine men that I wrote about in this blog. It goes like this: "Make me always ready to come to you with clean hands and open eyes so when life fades like the fading sunset, my spirit may come to you without shame." The impact of that closure for me is that I do not want to be staring at the ground with my hands clenched at the end of my life. I am tired of feeling shame, and I choose not to walk that path anymore. I have to remember what the Native Americans meant when they spoke of "Medicine." They were speaking about so much more than just healing the body from sickness and wounds. Medicine meant being in harmony with all living things and finding the inner balance of true health by avoiding the harm of disease-producing behaviors and thoughts.

Navajo Sand Painting of the Sacred Wheel of Life

As I go through the crucible of my Hepatitis C Treatment which I start in under two weeks, I want to hold on to the spiritual medicine that is reflected in the sacred wheel of life. Often, I am scared that these are just words and that I will fail when faced with the reality of being sick. After all, it is the treatment that is the worst; I have almost no effects from the actual virus at this point in time. I have always been able to talk the talk, but my longstanding liability in this life has been the ability to walk the walk. Now I really don't see much of a choice so I choose to have faith and believe that everything will be alright.

Day 26 Night - The Great Spirit Morning Prayer of the Lakota Sioux Medicine Men

Below is the Native American prayer I recite in the morning, at night, and when I am walking alone in my neighborhood. Since I do not have a parking space and the neighborhood is popular, I often have to park 2 or 3 blocks from my apartment. At first, it would piss me off, but now I find those walks to be peaceful and meditative. If I have packages, I temporarily park in a driveway, carry them up the stairs, then move the car.

More importantly, for me this prayer that the Sioux medicine men said when they rose in the morning to greet each new day covers the proverbial bases and sings a song that seems to come from within. It is as if the words reflect my own soul and discovering for the first time was like finding a piece of my spiritual home. I value the truth behind the realization that I am my own worst enemy and the beauty of leaving this life with humility and love and without shame. Please never forget that although I stumble here and there and my voice falters  though I fall and scratch a knee, I rise again with a smile and return to the path that has been laid out before me. Here is the prayer...

Morning Prayer of the Lakota Sioux Medicine Men

O Great Spirit

whose voice I hear in the wind,

and whose breath gives life to all the world,

hear me.

I am small and weak.

I need your strength and wisdom.

Let me walk in beauty,

and let my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made,

and my ears grow sharp to hear your voice.

Give me wisdom so I may understand the things

you have taught my people.

Let me the learn the lessons

you have hidden in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength not to be greater than my brother or sister,

but to fight my greatest enemy, myself.

Make me always ready to come to you

with clean hands and open eyes

so when life fades as the fading sunset,

my spirit may come to you without shame.

Beautiful Sculpture of Native American in Reverence at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston 

By Cyrus Dallin, Appeal to the Great Spirit is a bronze equestrian sculpture outside the Boston Museum of Fine Arts. A native of Utah where my entire nuclear family now lives, Dallin had a lot of interaction with Native American children while growing up, and this experience informed his art with insight and care. I love what a simple and direct representation is conveyed in this moving piece of art. Look at how unidealized and normative is the horse and how truly reverent is the warrior in what appears to be a truly authentic moment of prayer and reverence.