Day 25 Night - The Weight of Being A Burden on My Family

Over the past couple of days, I have been feeling the weight of being a burden on my family as I prepare to go through treatment. My business is not going terribly well, and I am not sure if I will be able to keep up with it when treatment begins. According to all my sources, the first two months of Interferon treatment tend to be pretty terrible, wiping out the patient every week with flu-like symptoms. Since I will be officially admitted to the clinical trials next week and I will have a liver biopsy, each day is becoming more important to prepare for the coming treatment. But I simply do not have the resources right now to do everything I want to do to make sure that it will be a smooth and sane process. I know I will get through this next hurdle, but it creates a lot of stress and anxiety. My psychiatrist has told me that it is essential for me to reduce stress at this point in time, fostering an internal equilibrium that will carry me through the process. I know in my heart that everything will be okay, but I honestly am frightened right now.

Emotional Baggage and the Overwhelming Weight of the Past

I have put my family through more shit than any family deserves or should ever have to deal with in several lifetimes. The guilt over the damage caused during my years as a drug addict and the weight of those regrets is sometimes downright overwhelming. I try my best to stay positive and believe that everything is going to ultimately work out, but often I sag beneath the burden I chose and created. I mean, I cannot avoid the weight of my own responsibility, and I have to accept the reality that this is what I did to myself and nobody else is to blame. I wish acceptance meant change, but I so often relapse on my character defects and act like an addict or alcoholic, slipping down the slope of indulgence and self-pity and self-centered bullshit. Honestly, I so want to realize the dreams of my life and walk the walk on the path that my God has laid out before me. If I am to succeed on that level and walk through this crisis with grace and dignity, I must toss aside the easy bullshit of the couchaholic. I have to have faith that everything is going to work out and that my health will be restored and I will have another chance to be and to become the man I was put here on this earth to be.

I can do this and I will get through this crucible with the love and support of my family and friends. Please forgive me if I wallow in such small emotions here and there. If I do not drain my head of this crap, it becomes a toilet swirling with the refuse of my disease. Even worse than a toilet, it becomes a dangerous neighborhood with my fears transformed into criminals looking to mug and rob my dreams, my hopes, and my soul. I know that's a bit much, but it is strangely true. Even now, I feel the pollution of this disease in my body, and I know my liver is not working properly to clean out the bile. But the disease barely has a foothold and if I can survive treatment and move forward, I believe it will be eradicated from my body and I will be given a new lease on life. Let's hope and pray...

Day 12 Night — Reality Comes To Visit...

When reality comes to visit, closing the door on ambition and fantasy for a while, settling down into the caffeine fueled wake-up call that this condition is here to stay and turning it into art will not make the everyday challenges go away. There has been a couple of medical updates here and there, but I'm not going to go into the details right now. Basically, in the Felix the Cat sort of way, a mixed bag of tricks to say the least.

I suppose what is most important to remember is that Felix is whistling not necessarily as he works, but as he walks down the street and handles the roller-coaster ride of life. The choice between faith and fear remain my primary alternatives. With faith, although sometimes worn out, I can struggle through the challenges, believing that one day they will come to an end. Then again, the challenges will never end. They may shed their skin and change their stripes, but they will remain present in a multitude of forms. The focus cannot be on the finish line because it remains the same for all of us. There is no other. There is no victory in the course of life that extinguishes the reality of another day.

Fear clings to the absolute, the illusion of totality. Faith embraces the journey, focusing on the precision of the next step and walking the walk of monks and lovers, children and artists. There are so many ways to realize the beauty of this life. Today I choose to walk forward and transfigure my present difficulties into a crucible that inspires realization and change.