Day 28 Morning - Holly's Beautiful Message and the Nature of Forgiveness

Holly:

Enjoy your life one day at a time. Don't worry about the "bone head" mistakes you've made in the past. Leave them there. Be smart enough to know the next time you have a decision to make. I've been reading my friend's (John L.) blog. His words make me laugh and they make me cry. From this day forth I will strive to be my authentic self and steer clear of any negativity that tries to enter into my life. John is fighting for his life. I know with God's help, THEY will win. God Speed, John Lavitt


Above is the message that my friend Holly posted on her Facebook page for all of her friends, tagging me in the process. I must admit that it took my breath away. I have not seen Holly in over fifteen years, and we recently became reacquainted through Facebook. But there are so many people from my past who I have reconnected with through Facebook, and we barely qualify as Facebook friends. I lived with an old housemate for over seven years in two different houses, and Albert won't even return a phone call or an email. But this has nothing to do with Albert, and I am not pointing or wagging or raising a middle finger. We will return to Holly's message in a second, but this thought needs to be addressed.

No Throwing Stones — Forgiveness is not Found on a Timeline or a Yardstick

I caused a lot of damage and wreckage during the years of my addiction. What was it like for Albert to learn that his housemate was doing illegal drugs in his home every night? How callous and self-centered I must have been to live with? I cannot throw stones at Albert because he has not forgiven me for my past actions, because he has chosen to move on. If I crossed a line with Albert that was his rubicon, then there is no turning back and that is past. Such is life or C'est La Vie because the French seem to express it so much better in the exact same words. As the Grateful Dead reminded me during my college years and beyond, throwing stones only leads to more destruction, and I would rather dance and shake my bones still to this very day without needing the cash or feeding any jones.

Rat cat alley, roll them bones. Need that cash to feed that jones.

And the politicians throwing stones,

Singing ashes, ashes all fall down...

Singing "I got mine and you got yours."

And the current fashions set the pace.

Lose your step, fall out of grace...

So the kids they dance, they shake their bones

While the politicians are throwing stones

Singing ashes, ashes all fall down.

I do not want to sing the song of the ashes and I do not want to throw stones at anyone. I hope that I have left such bitterness and vengeful anger behind. Forgiveness by another is not found on my timeline or measured by my yardstick. If I truly change my ways and patterns of behavior, then I have to realize that everyone has their own process. With other people, I must give them time beyond my desires and wants to process what happened in the past, and I must honor their timelines and their yardsticks. I must respect the process of dealing with damage and pain of other people as much as I want them to respect my own process. And God only knows, I hold my process sacred and I "hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." Man, that Thomas Jefferson sure could write! 


Forgive such an absurd aside, but when one rises like the morning sun in my mind, it hard to push it down back into the darkness. And it makes me smile, and I cannot afford to avoid any smiles these days. Nothing has made me smile more in the past week than receiving Holly's beautiful message. Not only did she say that my works make her laugh and cry, but they actually inspire her to take positive action in her life. And Holly is a powerful human being who always chose her words carefully (unlike many of my peers and myself for that matter) and followed through by turning her words into actions. I truly appreciate the support of such a person, and I thank her kindly for her love. 


Mind you, I am fighting to get well, but I am not fighting for my life like so many people in cancer wards or dying of AIDS. The treatment is tough, but there are worse things in the world, and I have faith that everything is going to be just fine. Yes, I will respond to the treatments. Yes, I will clean this virus out of my system and restore my liver. Yes, I will walk through this crucible of health with grace and dignity. And the Godspeed that Holly wishes me to experience will be a watchword as I move forward across the landscape of this disease. But this is not Samuel Beckett's landscape of extinction (a later blog to come), although we all need to keep precision close to our hearts and to walk with the definition of faith. Plus a hug every once in a while seems to help...

What Compares to the Support and Grace of Friendship Freely Given?

Day 1 Hepatitis C — Consequences of My Past Addiction and the Challenges of My New Reality

July 26, 2011

My name is John Lavitt and I am 44-years young and I will not hide behind the veil of anonymity and I will simply be myself in this forum of expression because this is my story, my reality, my life.

Since 2003, I have known that there were physical consequences in regards to my past addiction to heroin and cocaine beyond the external damaged I did to the fabric of my life and the pain I caused my loved ones. After going through a medical detox, I learned that I had tested positive for Hepatitis C. What was so ironic was that I only used needles once; I smoked the drugs because I was gun shy to say the least when it came to needles and blood. The one time I shot up at a friend's house in 1999, I stupidly shared a needle with a young woman, thinking that cleaning it with hydrogen peroxide and sterilizing the needle would protect me. I do not remember the woman's name, and I later came to refer to her in a cruel manner as the bitch who gave me this disease. I recall her as a desperate woman with two kids and a drug addicted husband on the run. I do not even remember her name, and I hope she is okay and sober.

Something I have learned in the course of my own journey is that nobody's suffering or misery does me any good or makes my life any better. I honestly wish happiness and success for everyone because such a wish realized would only improve and brighten the world. I made my own choices and so bitterness is not a desolate road that I choose to walk on today, cold and shrouded in darkness. I have so very much to be grateful for in this life, and I choose to embrace the beauty and wonder of a future imagined.

It is winter in the picture above and snow is on the ground and adorning the trees and there is a turn at the end of a road that leads into the unknown. This is my unknown that became a reality today.

So what happened today, you might ask, and I will tell you even though I still feel more than a bit shell-shocked and overwhelmed and downright scared. After having blood taken just under two weeks ago for a series of tests, I went to Kaiser Permanente and met with a liver specialist whom I now know will be my doctor and an essential part of a challenging journey that has just begun. Dr. Wu let me know that my liver showed signs of inflammation and the Hepatitis C viral count, the viral lode in my blood was elevated. Since I have been infected for about a dozen years, these two markers mean that I need treatment. The details of my treatment will come later and the many difficulties I will face, but it will not be easy. Even with the new cutting edge cocktails of new drugs, interferon remains the primary treatment and the side effects are brutal. These side effects include consistent flu-like symptoms, particularly during the first months, and a tendency towards triggering depressive episodes.

Since I have had a history in the past of clinical depression and take the anti-depressant Wellbutrin on a daily basis, these side effects can be quite dangerous given such a personal history. In addition, since I have genotype 1a, the treatment is least effective for me and the duration is extended and intensified. Although I have only a 60% chance of the treatment actually eradicating the virus from my system, I have to be on the treatment program for a duration of 44 weeks or eleven months. This means almost an entire year of being vastly under the weather without any guarantees beyond the flip of a coin.

Okay, I know I sound a bit depressive right now, but I am actually smiling as I write these words. I cannot change the reality of this reality. There are no do-overs in life and I must accept the consequences of my past actions and the cost of my addiction. I will do my best to be positive as I present a somewhat daily account of what happens next and the progression of this treatment process. Please forgive me if I veer into indulgence and ranting and absurdity because I know the fear will take me down those paths. But I will try to side with the spirit and embrace the faith that everything will be okay.

Sweet dreams on this first night and may we walk together, hand-in-hand, with grace and kindness, laughter and love, and the dream that one day you will hear that I am healthy and back on track.